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Martha school: chapter 11 by Poison
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1
avatar_Poison
Interactive Stories Glade / Re: Martha school: chapter 11
Last post by Poison - Jan 27, 2021, 11:36 am
I gave the revisions a quick once over, and it seems more understandable this time.

However:

QuoteMr. Smith had been scribbling on the blackboard. Explaining that a fire has a triangle effect. And that a certain salt can turn blue from a flame. He had been drawing figures and pictures of how fires can be useful.

I'm interested in this triangle effect? 

Also, I'd like to see the drawings of fires being useful please!
2
avatar_Scribe_siren
Interactive Stories Glade / Re: Martha school: chapter 11
Last post by Scribe_siren - Jan 24, 2021, 02:12 pm
Thank you Cren, I edited the chapter 11. I fixed the weird things that did not make sense to me either. :D
Hope you get a brighter look to why harry brought the bag and why the fire started and using her shirt. Since it was the only item that didn't have flammable liquid on it.
3
avatar_Ren
Interactive Stories Glade / Re: Martha school: chapter 11
Last post by Ren - Jan 23, 2021, 06:03 pm
I can't speak for what areas Poi was talking about, but just take this one para for example...

A sudden heaviness was in my lungs. Looking over the box, I had smashed the glass vail. Even worse a small fire started at the curtains.

First, vial is spelled wrong. 

Also yes, the fire starting is a bit non-intuitive.  I'm assuming that when she smashed the vial, then the liquid spilled and caught fire, but I had to read it several times to get that.  I also assume the curtains were nearby?  Although curtains in a lab?  Mmmm. A bit of health and safety issues there I think.  And why did he not turn off the bunsen burner? 

And...

Pulling off my shirt I tried stamping out the fire. It only grew worse.

It seems odd that the first thing she thinks to do in  fire is to strip off.  :o  ;D  ;)  I'm assuming the idea is to use it to beat out the fire. Although then she stamps on the fire, so er...

However, again H&S hat on here, shouldn't there be fire extinguishers?  Even back in my day, and we're talking a few years ago now ahem, there were safety precautions. 

Also...

...worse. Screaming.

The word screaming here on its own. I can't make up my mind whether I like it or not.  In one sense I do, in another it's a bit... abstract.  Mmm.

Oh, and you spelled 'crackling' (I'm assuming that was what you meant) as 'cracking' in the previous sentence.

Phew.  :D
4
avatar_Scribe_siren
Interactive Stories Glade / Re: Martha school: chapter 11
Last post by Scribe_siren - Jan 20, 2021, 08:23 pm
Hi there. If you could point out where the choppyness sits that be great. I'm trying to edit and add as I can. Any and all comments accepted. Even brutal honest ones.
I actaully was not 100 percent happy with chap 10 and 11... I think my head got choppy. Not the chapter.
5
avatar_Poison
Interactive Stories Glade / Re: Martha school: chapter 11
Last post by Poison - Jan 20, 2021, 11:26 am
I'm caught up again.  Have to say the last chapter was rather choppy, with quite a few spelling and misc errors in, made it a bit hard to read.

I like you did Ren's fire idea, but how did it start? 

Still, happy that someone is managing to write.  (He says being so overdue on his own writing)
6
avatar_Poison
Introduction Hummock / Re: Welcome to the Opus Path
Last post by Poison - Jan 20, 2021, 11:21 am
Hello Raffine.  It's nice to see another face around here.  If you see what I mean.
7
avatar_Scribe_siren
Interactive Stories Glade / Re: Martha school: chapter 10
Last post by Scribe_siren - Jan 19, 2021, 09:34 pm
CHAPTER 11 Informed

I had to leave the book at Harry's house, feeling that it was more important to leave it in a safe and secure spot.

"You can sit at the passenger side." Harry opened the doors and we graciously joined him for the adventure.

The weather was a cold rainy day, my cuffs of my shirt was curled up, having it at a rather larger scale than my own body. But the jeans I was wearing fit snugly. Enough finger space for me to fit into them.

I breathed before I asked, "Who's clothes were these."

Sitting at the passenger side I dug around the cabio in the car for a pen. Kicking a few smoke buds to the side. My legs were stuffed between bags of fast food and even more so cramped with a shoulder bag Harry brought with. In the disjointed shape I was sitting was bothering my back.

Claire had sat behind me, with as much leg freedom she wanted. She was sitting cross-legged over the three seats.

"Sit right! And put your belt on!" Harry blurted, "It cost 300 ZAR each in the car!"

"ZAR?"

"Yes, South African currency!"

Writing with dark black ink pen I found in the cabio. I drew letters inside my palm: CRCW. Scrawling a copied signature like in the book. I had only had 4 hours to read the book last night. Most had markers in certain sections. Which made no sense.

I took a glance at Claire. Seeing if she listened to Harry. She however had the funny blockish phone with her. She seemed inseparable to that little black box. And still did not sit right. 

"Where did you steal that from--" Claire slapped my head hard through the gap of the headrest. Two metal prongs sticking out with a cushion at the top.

Harry shoved his foot to the break, causing Claire to drop off the seat and banging her head against a soft passenger seat, "So, you stole that?" Harry peered from over his shoulder. And continued driving. His eyes staring ahead to the road.

"I've got a huge headache." His lips looked dry, guessing the wine he had yesterday probably caused the pain in his temples. 

A guilty look went over Claire's face and then it softened into a kind warm look toward Harry. "Yeah, it was lying on the floor near a dressing room."

"Can I take a look." Harry let one of his hands from the steering wheel and took hold of the phone from Claire's hand.

Flipping the phone about, he turned right toward the woodsy area, right from off the road. "This is interesting, it looks to be marked with scratches. Were they there when you took it, Clara--Claire!?"

Claire nodded her head with a soft Yes, shrugged and gently took the phone back. We were waying in the car from the turns. The last turn in the woods tipped Harry's bag over.   

"It is interesting, to know how to use that phone. Did it come with instructions when you stole it?" I said to Claire

Claire grunted and replied, "I played with one as a kid." She twiddled the knob on the phone and the radio started buzzing into the signal. 

It repeated the name RADIO FM and songs followed from the stereo.

I laughed a little at the sarcastic joke, but immediately swallowed my pride and nodded to Claire, "You don't seize to amaze me." I turned my head to the song busy playing. 

Harry shoved his foot to the break and clutch. "BlackRock..."

The entrance did not have an intercom like Martha's school. Maybe it was more lenient. The sound in the distance of tiny twittering in the woods from insects.

One of the solitary buildings, far away from the current path upward looked like it had an aftermath of an earthquake.

Harry had taken the bag at my feet, slung over his left shoulder and said, "We got to split up soon. I will give you guys a map." He uttered, "I have unfinished business in this bag."   

"Why you bring that?" I wondered, "What's in that?"

He laughed, "This is now none of your business. Something I have to give to a friend."

Scuffing my feet along in a tired fashion, able to annoy anyone close by. My gaze was downward. The school had cemented floors at the entrance, not like Martha's which, had sand that would crawl into your shoes. There were no groups for sports outside, it looked dull and empty, no one were in the schoolgrounds. Maybe inside, would be more people.

In fear I heard a voice of a girl getting louder. I gulped air and hid to the wall, I knew it was Aesley. Harry seeing me ditch away to hide. Grabbed me by the hand and said, "Be brave."

I could see black booted shoes, then a dress in blue and then pink. Closed my eyes and immediately saw the scowling face of Aesley as I reopened my squint.

"There you are!" She exclaimed at my sister Claire. Turned to look at me and said, "What you are doing with her?"

Claire stood one step back and said, "She! Is my sister!"

"Worthless lair!" Aesley spat at me.

I pursed my lips and started, "What you doing at a guy's school! You gay? Or trans?"

"You promised me a card today!" Aesley screamed at me. Huffing form my comment she gripped her hands and released it. In a moment Aesley lunged at me.

In a split second I had pushed my leg out and Aesley fell forward, face planting the gravel. I could see her face turning red, she scrambled from the floor and pushed Claire out of the way.

Harry did nothing, he kept clinging to his precious bag, which had more importance than the fight that was going on.

I bolted into the school.

Harry however grabbed Claire by the collar as I started running, "There is only one exit there." He tapped her at the shoulder, "She will be fine, I know that girl!" he continued, "If they see her in the school, she will be kicked for trespassing."

The closest entrance I could get. It led up three flights and Aesley was behind me.

***

A heavy breath was in my lungs as I was sliding and skidding around corners, "Oh my!"

I pushed an abandoned janitor trolly over and Aesley grabbed a broom with a huge jump over the trash I made, annoyingly enough she started to bump me at my feet. I was about ten centimeters away from the broom. Trying to keep the distance.

In an instant action, I turned stepped onto the end of the brushy broom. Grabbed the stick and swung it around with a scowl, me feeling like hitting her into the next generation. 

"Stay away!" I screamed

Then a loud deep voice hollered, "That's it! You! Yeah you!" A rather fat man pointed to me, "You trying to hurt her." He had short cut hair and black clothes on with the Black Rock logo and the words, "Events manager."

My voice was gone as I did not know how to react. Since I was the one with the broom in my hand, pointed to Aesley.

Aesley folded her hands in a proud manner. She wanted this. The rather large overweight teacher seemed familiar. He had a flag tucked under his armpit. "You! To solitary! I mean detention."

Aesley laughed and whispered, "Should have been solitary."

I wondered what solitary was, "Solitary?" but pointed out, "I'm not part of this school."

"But you're the girl who went missing with her sister, are you not?"

Lowering my eyes, "Yeah..." Looking back up a group of rather tall boys arrived behind the teacher. He pointed the boys to the classroom next to me. Which seemed to have had a few students in already. Their heads leaning to see what was going on.

A tall guy, it was Jacques. He came walking out of the class toward the teacher, "Mr. Smith. The kid was being chased by that girl there." He pointed to Aesley and tapped his hand on my shoulder for me to relax.

I dropped the broom and released the tension from my shoulders.

"Jacques, you cannot stand up for every girl you meet. "

Jacques replied in haste to save my butt, "She was being chased with a broom by Aesley. This girl just wants to get her into trouble. The story has not been told from both ends. She must have a reason to be here, if she is not --at her own school."

This young guy was meant for politics. I breathed in and said, "You're the one who helped me with the book, right Jacques?."

Mr. Smith grunted, "What book!?" His eyes looked like it saw a ghost after mentioning a book. "I collect books! Specialty Biology."

After storming through the school was over. Mr. Smith pulled me into the last year schoolboy's classroom. It was a biology class. And it seemed I had gotten a pass on running and almost trying to smack Aesley with the broom.


Mr. Smith had been scribbling on the blackboard. Explaining that a fire has a triangle effect. And that a certain salt can turn blue from a flame. He had been drawing figures and pictures of how fires can be useful.

I was shoved to the back of the class. In a shamefull lonely standing position, between two rows of desks. These desks seemed to be shared by two people. No annoying flags or wooden enclosed areas.

Jacques had been glancing at me occasionally. Which made me even more embarrassed, being around older students. They were backing me up, with Jacques story the guys seemed to be rather happy to see a girl in the boy's school.

Mr. Smith had lit a Bunsen burner, turning a liquid around over the little flame. It seemed like he was doing his own thing. Often teachers would say something when doing a project.

The students were doing their own thing, seemed like they had a day off. Some were doodling planes and notes in their ledgers. One by one the groups came in and left.

After my feet started hurting, I was relieved that the bell went off. It was a large bell being rung around the halls by hand. A rusted old bell with the number 1940.

The boy's started putting their books away into their bags. Which funnily enough looked like the bag Harry had brought with. The important bag for a friend. I was about to follow Jacques but was grabbed by my wrist. Mr. Smith said, "I need to talk to you." and he turned my hand upside down, his eyes turned guilty-like away.

I could feel his gaze, something meant to him. My eyes darted to him and then to the CRCW. His eyes looked blank and he immediately rushed out of the classroom.

I was walking toward the door when it shut. And a bunch of keys were rustling around. Mr Smith locked me inside. I hammered at the door for a while. I could hear Aesley's voice at the other side of the door, "HAHA!" Her laugh trailed off.

He locked me inside. I looked around for a way out. Each window was locked. Except a room which led to multiple boxes. Mysterious boxes with the same color.

 Whilst I was in the storage, I might aswell look at the books Mr. Smith collected. I might look around, till the next bell, maybe then they would open the door. I could see a clock on the far wall. 11 am.

Large rows of boxes stood around the sides of the rather small packrat room.

A large white box, one of the only white ones was rather intriguing.   Creative Relative Counting Works

Turning my wrist to myself, looking at the text which was smudged a bit from Mr. Smith looking at it. I uttered to myself: CRCW!!

I grabbed the box in haste, a heavy contained item was in here.  I shoved it on and over the center of the table.

Hearing a faint sound of a glass cracking. I kept on trying to dig through the box of files. When I got to the third letter of the alphabet. I dug out the name Clara Malka.

A sudden heaviness was in my lungs. Looking over the box, I had smashed the glass vial Mr Smith left on the table. Even worse I dropped the lit Bunsen burner. 

A small fire started at the curtains. Pulling off my shirt, thinking if the only thing was not stained in the flammable liquid. I tried stamping out the fire. It only grew worse. Screaming help out loud, my heart raced.

In a rush I started hammering on the door. I did not want the school to burn down. A faded spot where a extinguisher should be, was replaced with just a hook with "incase of fire"

There was no emergency exit, no fire extinguisher. Nothing I could do. The smoke started to turn dark. My teared up eyes looked at the blackboard, "Fire cannot burn without oxygen."

Ripping a towel off the teachers table before the fire got to it. I threw it over my head. Covering Clara's folder I had in my hand and my mouth from the smoke inhalation. What flammable thing was this teacher going for.

I cringed my eyes from the smoke, I could not see much from my hurting eyes. Pulling at a few chairs from their positions. Throwing feebly with what I thought was great force. Throwing it at windows. "Bullet proof?"

Pulling the towel over my head around at times. My body starting to get weak. I was the only one who needed oxygen. This fire was Mr. Smith's fault. If he hadn't locked me inside the class with this fire...

A sore, burning feeling went into my lungs and I started screaming till my voice went hoarse, ramming my back into the door with my legs bent for some more force.

The fire was at the other side of the room. Like it was not going to come anywhere closer to me. Something was protecting me as I sat in fetal position.

I sat curled to the door with the file in my hand and the towel over my mouth.

Finally, I heard the door move. I tipped over from it being ripped open and got lifted from the floor.

I clung to the person picking me up. I could only see shadows and things passing my vision. And knew I was out. I clung to the file and felt it slip from my fingers.

Relaxing from the stress I had taken. I felt a cold wet item being put over my eyes and a rocking of someone running with me in their rather strong arms.   
8
avatar_Ren
Introduction Hummock / Re: Welcome to the Opus Path
Last post by Ren - Jan 17, 2021, 03:55 pm
Welcome to the Opus Raffey.
9
avatar_Ren
Interactive Stories Glade / Re: Martha school: chapter 10
Last post by Ren - Jan 17, 2021, 03:54 pm
Nice.  There are still a few typos/grammar things, probably from your speech to text thingy.

I would say... A fire.  Like here dream, although not the whole school.  Just big enough to freak her out haha.
10
avatar_Raffine
Introduction Hummock / Re: Welcome to the Opus Path
Last post by Raffine - Jan 17, 2021, 09:37 am
Thank you Wanderer. I'll do so.
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